02-02-2013, 11:58 AM
You're probably right Stephen. Unfortunately I've lost interest in anything at all now though. I don't even like driving anymore, I used to, hence joining here, but over a while that interest has completely gone, maybe it's because I'm stuck in a HDi, maybe it's because I know I can't really afford to drive anywhere, maybe it's just all the enegry that is taken away by anxiety thats just meant theres no energy left to want to do anything else. I don't know, infact I probably will never know.
It's time for an update on the situation anyway - as it's just getting worse and worse.
Well since my Nans been in hospital I've not been getting paid for helping her with the house/garden - and as shes moving into a flat next week, she will no longer need help so I won't be getting that ~£30 a week anymore. My other Nan has got her dog walker back, so I'm just doing the garden for her atm, which she gives me a tenner a week for. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but that only just covers food. Infact since the start of the year all I've 'earnt' is £60 - had to fill the HDi for another month (hopefully it lasts that long) last week, £70 gone, so now I'm eating into savings just to get by now.
This lack of money has meant I'm not able to go out unless it's really necessary - which has made going anywhere almost impossible again now which is so frustrating given how far I'd got just a few months ago.
The 'rents have been home for most of last week. Mum had an operation on Tuesday (came home weds afternoon) and is home in recovery now, and her bf is staying home with her. I feel horrible and ungrateful for having to say this but because of that it's been near impossible to do anything at all over the last few days, anxiety levels have been through the roof, OCD levels have been ridiculous and I've barely left the bathroom for longer than an hour at any point. This is a complete contrast of the first couple of days where I was actually starting feel better, toilet was more 'solid' and less frequent, OCD probs were noticeably less and above all for a couple of hours a day on Mon/Tue/Weds anxiety levels dropped to a point where I thought there was actually some hope. The only difference was people out of the house and I KNEW they wouldn't be coming home for a certain length of time.
Now as said I could barely do anything, just simple things that you guys probably take for granted like getting up, having food, washing up etc are so difficult atm it's a struggle just to get through each day, so theres no way at all I could try adding a job into that as well.
Honestly my current view is that people like myself are just a drain on rescources that could be much better used on other people and should be culled, natural selection isn't working well enough. Get rid of the useless people and the world be a much better place.
Anyway, unfortunately that isn't gonna happen so gotta try and do something with the situation. The only possible solution I can find is moving out, and I know my Nan has now changed her will so I get the inheritance on my 21st birthday (this month). I told my Dad what I wanted to do with the money (as he had to change the will for Nan, I dodnt tell him the reason why though) and told him I didn't think it'd be enough for what i needed to do. He said maybe I should ask my other Nan if she'd match it for my 21st birthday? Now surely with £5k I'd be able to move out and it last long enough for me to get into work? This is how I see it -
Pro's
-Freedom to do what I want/relax/reduce anxiety levels
-Closer proximity to town so easier for the distance issue and much lower fuel costs (costs me £4 a day in fuel to go town and back atm, add in parking costs and you lose over an hour of work already)
-Nan has said I can take anything she doesnt need in her new flat - this includes washer/dryer, freezer, wardrobe, smallish tv, chest of drawers and various furniture - however we dont have space to store these items so if I don't move soonish we will just have to sell/skip them.
-I still have a big car capable of shifting almost anything I need it to without worrying about damaging it currently. MOT/tax/insurance run out mid march and it will likely be scrapped/px'd before this for something smaller, cheaper, much more economical.
-Possibly find some new interests/friends locally if I were in a new environment (maybe meet some other people in the same block of flats for example)
Cons
-Obviously it's a hell of a lot of money and given the choice I wouldn't 'waste' it on just living BUT if this is the only way I'm gonna start earning and maybe find a different attitude towards life then surely its worth it.
-The big 'what if'...what if I can't find a job before the money starts getting low, or what if I don't get any better. Well no-one can say whether or not it will happen, but I never do anything as Im always thinking of the whatifs, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and actually do something productive, even if it is a chance that it could go all go tits up. As my Dad said, he's sure I won't end up in some homeless shelter, if worst came to worst I would have to ask a family member for a bit of money to sort the issue and theres not much chance of them saying no. Ofcourse thats only if the worst happens, I would really hope it doesn't come to that.
So what do you reckon guys? I'll be honest I've been feeling so bad over the last few days I was genuinely trying to find some way to end things. So I know its now or never that I've gotta do something.....
It's time for an update on the situation anyway - as it's just getting worse and worse.
Well since my Nans been in hospital I've not been getting paid for helping her with the house/garden - and as shes moving into a flat next week, she will no longer need help so I won't be getting that ~£30 a week anymore. My other Nan has got her dog walker back, so I'm just doing the garden for her atm, which she gives me a tenner a week for. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but that only just covers food. Infact since the start of the year all I've 'earnt' is £60 - had to fill the HDi for another month (hopefully it lasts that long) last week, £70 gone, so now I'm eating into savings just to get by now.
This lack of money has meant I'm not able to go out unless it's really necessary - which has made going anywhere almost impossible again now which is so frustrating given how far I'd got just a few months ago.
The 'rents have been home for most of last week. Mum had an operation on Tuesday (came home weds afternoon) and is home in recovery now, and her bf is staying home with her. I feel horrible and ungrateful for having to say this but because of that it's been near impossible to do anything at all over the last few days, anxiety levels have been through the roof, OCD levels have been ridiculous and I've barely left the bathroom for longer than an hour at any point. This is a complete contrast of the first couple of days where I was actually starting feel better, toilet was more 'solid' and less frequent, OCD probs were noticeably less and above all for a couple of hours a day on Mon/Tue/Weds anxiety levels dropped to a point where I thought there was actually some hope. The only difference was people out of the house and I KNEW they wouldn't be coming home for a certain length of time.
Now as said I could barely do anything, just simple things that you guys probably take for granted like getting up, having food, washing up etc are so difficult atm it's a struggle just to get through each day, so theres no way at all I could try adding a job into that as well.
Honestly my current view is that people like myself are just a drain on rescources that could be much better used on other people and should be culled, natural selection isn't working well enough. Get rid of the useless people and the world be a much better place.
Anyway, unfortunately that isn't gonna happen so gotta try and do something with the situation. The only possible solution I can find is moving out, and I know my Nan has now changed her will so I get the inheritance on my 21st birthday (this month). I told my Dad what I wanted to do with the money (as he had to change the will for Nan, I dodnt tell him the reason why though) and told him I didn't think it'd be enough for what i needed to do. He said maybe I should ask my other Nan if she'd match it for my 21st birthday? Now surely with £5k I'd be able to move out and it last long enough for me to get into work? This is how I see it -
Pro's
-Freedom to do what I want/relax/reduce anxiety levels
-Closer proximity to town so easier for the distance issue and much lower fuel costs (costs me £4 a day in fuel to go town and back atm, add in parking costs and you lose over an hour of work already)
-Nan has said I can take anything she doesnt need in her new flat - this includes washer/dryer, freezer, wardrobe, smallish tv, chest of drawers and various furniture - however we dont have space to store these items so if I don't move soonish we will just have to sell/skip them.
-I still have a big car capable of shifting almost anything I need it to without worrying about damaging it currently. MOT/tax/insurance run out mid march and it will likely be scrapped/px'd before this for something smaller, cheaper, much more economical.
-Possibly find some new interests/friends locally if I were in a new environment (maybe meet some other people in the same block of flats for example)
Cons
-Obviously it's a hell of a lot of money and given the choice I wouldn't 'waste' it on just living BUT if this is the only way I'm gonna start earning and maybe find a different attitude towards life then surely its worth it.
-The big 'what if'...what if I can't find a job before the money starts getting low, or what if I don't get any better. Well no-one can say whether or not it will happen, but I never do anything as Im always thinking of the whatifs, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and actually do something productive, even if it is a chance that it could go all go tits up. As my Dad said, he's sure I won't end up in some homeless shelter, if worst came to worst I would have to ask a family member for a bit of money to sort the issue and theres not much chance of them saying no. Ofcourse thats only if the worst happens, I would really hope it doesn't come to that.
So what do you reckon guys? I'll be honest I've been feeling so bad over the last few days I was genuinely trying to find some way to end things. So I know its now or never that I've gotta do something.....